This is new.
You asked for it and I thought about explaining what this is exactly but you know, I guess you’ll just get it.
Or you wont and thats ok. Its basically about fucking.
And its hella funny sooo….
‚You bet I was drunk out of my mind when you hear this.
And you’re absolutely fucking right I was.
You know…theres this time when us Americans turn 21 and get shitfaced all the time just cause we finally can.
I was in no way an exception and me and my girls were out all the damn time.
So we’re at my girls place pregaming like fucking monsters even though I had like zero tolerance and thats the only explanation I can come up with for this shit.
We’re drinking, getting ready, we’re dancing… all that, you know how it works when it’s girls night.
None of us noticed how fucking drunk we really already were until we left her house and took an uber downtown. Shit we must’ve annoyed the hell outta the starbucks girlie that was driving, but she had a ‚live, laugh, love‘ sign on the back of her car so she probably deserved it (I’m pretty sure she did).
So we get to the club and you know… of course we hit the bar like we ain’t drunk enough already. But shit – here we go, tossing Jägerbombs down our throats.
I honestly forgot a lot about the time we were actually in there. I guess we were dancing, acting out, all that.
And then he caught my eye.
He was really fucking handsome and I could tell he was into me too (one thing about alcohol – it makes you feel super confident at times. And horny. In my case – both).
Well HOLD MY DRINK, ITS BRITNEY BITCH. I’m coming to get you!
No fucks were given when I walked straight up to him, looked him dead in the face and said ‚How likely is it that you and I are leaving this club together?‘
(and I do not know where that came from – like who the hell is thiiiis????)
Keep in mind I didn’t even care I was fucking loud in front of all the people he was there with and I don’t even wanna know what they must’ve thought.
Anyway it still worked (I mean obviously, cause really it’s not that hard to get laid if you’re a girl and you want it).
‚How about we get another drink first?‘ he says with this fuckboylike wink and smile that had its effect on all parts of me all the way down to my panties.
I do NOT need another drink, but the other girl, that lives in me and only comes out after a specific amount of vodka and shit, she was down for it. So here I go. First of course, cause I’m not wearing this dress for nothing.
So we sit down at the bar, I have no clue what I’m saying, I’m having double vision and thinking back …I should’ve just carried my ass home.
But shit, I told you about that other girl within me…She’s flirting like a motherfucker, already playing porn in her head.
Anyway, fast forward. We’re leaving, his friend is driving and we’re in the backseat.
My girls keep blowing up my phone, I have no idea where we’re fucking going or if I’m going to get murdered, but I’m on my whatever shit and drunk out of my mind, so instead of letting anyone know who I’m with, I ask him if he ever got ‚road head‘ before (seemed like the better idea, judge me).
I’m pretty sure he did, but he said no.
‚Wanna try?‘ – it’s drunk me again, I can’t control her.
He smiles and I’m already unbuckling his belt, being all touchy touchy feely feely.
Sounds good so far, doesn’t it!? It would if it would’ve stayed that way but… fuck, I mean this is about fucking gone wrong, right??
So,I’m all into it. It’s been a while since I last had Sex so I was definitely trying to go all out, so ready to get it onnnnn.
Next thing you know I hear somebody from somewhere yelling ‚Fuck, Fuck, FUCK, Damn!‘
I’m over here in the backseat giving a 5 Star blowjob to this dude, on my pervy shit, thinking bro driving the car is cheering us on. I was too drunk to even care to look up. Shit I didn’t even notice the car fucking stopping!!!!
Knock Knock it goes on the window and I snap back to reality like fucking Eminem.
Looking at a fucking cop.
With a dick in my mouth.
Oh and my boobs out.
Yea….fuck. Dude was NOT cheering us on, I got that now.
What do you say in a situation like that!?
Well my dumbass said ‚Oh, umm surprise‘.
Yep thats right, I said that.
Obviously he made us get out of the car, which (I’m sure you can imagine) was super fucking embarrassing. Especially after I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror – I looked like one of these jersey shore chicks that I normally make fun of. I have lipstick on my forehead and I’m not gonna lie I really do look like I just gave head.
We’re standing on the side of the road, my dress is a friggin mess, so is my hair, I can smell my own breath (not very gucci) , answering questions like ‚are you aware of the fact that what you just did was not only inappropriate but also dangerous?‘.
Whatever dude, I wanna die right now.
Cars keep passing us by and I’m pretty sure there’s a sign above my head saying
„This girl right here just gave head in a car and got caught“ – shit was bad, I mean, all I wanted was some decent sex and look where drunk me got us.
Luckily our driver hadn’t been drinking (thanks G!) and the cop was cool enough to just let us go.
After making me call my parents to come pick me up, at 4 o clock in the morning in the middle of nowhere, looking like an actual thot.
Yup…the second time I wanted to disappear in a deep hole for fucking ever.